I don’t like the rain. I mostly don’t like the rain because it’s dark, and it makes me sad. I don’t feel well equipped when it’s raining, and I don’t like the gray sky. The sky feels too flat, when to me, on a good, bright and sunny day, with cotton candy clouds, it’s never ending, and it carries on forever. One of the only things I do like about the rain, is knowing that the sun is behind the clouds waiting to come back out. Like when you fly on an airplane on a rainy day, and taking off is a little scary simply because its raining and you’re on an airplane, but then, you get above the clouds, you get above the bumps and the wind, and you’re smooth sailing with the sun shining. I could continue to name the things I don’t like about the rain, but I think it’s hardest for me to deal with it because it too closely mimics my bad, personally rainy and stormy, days. When I am dealing with my bouts of depression and anxiety, it’s really easy to feel as though a storm is caving in; to feel flat, to feel dark, to feel more sad. For me, on my bad days, my low days, my “everything is hard because I just can’t seem to get it together because I’m not good enough to get it together” days, I am the gray, flat, sky. I feel like I’m holding on to so much, that I just might burst. I feel like there are a lot of bumps and wind that I have to get past before I can be smooth sailing above the clouds again.
I don’t like the rain, because I too closely relate to the rain.
Some days, I feel as though I can’t be anything else but the rain. I feel it come on, and I do what I can to weather the storm. Sometimes though, it doesn’t work, and the storm takes over. It dumps and dumps, until there’s nothing left. It leaves me tired, exhausted even, as I battled through with thoughts of “you shouldn’t be this way, stop being this way.” These days happen more than I like to admit. These days, as of recently, are not few and far between. However, when these days hit, I try my best to just let them come, wash over me for however long they may want to, experience all of the things, and then try again the next day. While I don’t like the rain, in real life, or in metaphor, I’ve tried to remind myself that the earth doesn’t tell the sky to stop being sad. The earth often thanks the rain for coming, because while it may slow some things down, after the storm, everything is refreshed. Some rainy days can even make the prettiest of sunsets. For me, metaphorical rain days can bring a lot of bad things as they are happening; poor self-care, self doubt, intrusive thoughts of, “you should be better than this.” The truth is though, on that day, I’m not. On that day, that is who I am, and that is who I need to be for myself on that day. I think those intrusive thoughts take over based off of what I think is expected of me by others. I should want to get out of bed and be productive. I should want to get dressed, do my makeup, and put an effort into my appearance. I should not get out of bed only to move to the couch and proceed to sleep all day after that. I should not let the storm keep me trapped inside of myself. I tell myself those things, and I believe them. I believe that is who I am supposed to be, because I don’t want to be that way, and others don’t want me to be that way either. But what I really need is to treat myself with the same grace that the earth treats the sky. With thanks, and forgiveness that another storm has come, only to allow for more growth. I am trying to learn to be better equipped when it rains, in real life and metaphorically, so some days, I am genuinely thankful for the rain, because it’s teaching me how to brave something that is scary and different and weird. It’s teaching me to adapt and grow, and when it’s all done, when the storm passes, soon it will come again, and all will be okay.
It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to weather the storm in the only way you know how. I don’t like the rain, but I am learning how to sing in it when I don’t have many other options.