When the Winds are Changing

This first segment was written December 18th, 2014.

“There are a fair amount of things we cannot change in life. A fair amount of things we have to accept and do with the best we can. Even the littlest things, the smallest things that don’t go right, can throw off an entire plan.

I went to Dallas this past week to visit my wonderful big sister. We were both so excited for me to come up. We had so many plans and no matter what they were going to happen. No matter what.

Sister and I have had a fairly reoccurring history of travel disasters, and I was trying my absolute damnedest to make sure those did not happen. Everything was fine! I got through the airport fine both ways (which at the time was miraculous for us), and all was well. Until my tonsils became the size of golf balls and I was “presumed” with strep throat. I felt pretty darn miserable. Lousy, actually. I could only afford to swallow soup. Even then, that hurt. THEN early Wednesday morning, I threw up for two hours straight and caused her to be awake for a full two hours earlier than her already early call time for work. Disaster found us, and was very much upon us.

But somehow, it happened, and it passed. We still did all of the things we planned to do, and we still had so much fun doing them. She took care of me, I cleaned the apartment, we moved on and had a great time together. Done and done.

On my last night there, we watched “The Vow.” If you’re someone who knows me, you know I hate that movie. It is miserable to watch. However, in the movie, they get in a car accident and she loses her most recent five years of memory. She loses all memories of her husband and current life. Gone. Disappeared into thin air.

They tried to make it work. They wanted to make it work. And in the end, it did. Just a year or so later, on different circumstances, and she still with no recollection of her life before.

I said to Megan, “gosh that sucks. To have to accept that there’s a whole portion of your life that you just have to accept is not there anymore and move on.”

And she replied, simply, “yeah… but it’s kind of sweet.”

And maybe that’s all it took to realize the unexpected things in life, the ones that throw us off our track, make things disastrous and miserable for the time being, turn up to be the sweetest ones in the end. It may have never been in our plan, but maybe it was in someone else’s. And maybe that’s what makes it sweet. The things we don’t plan make us who we are. It builds character and gives a little spark to life.”

I wrote that a year ago tomorrow in the airport whenever I was flying home. I just recently found it on my phone, and maybe at the right time. I’ve been thinking a lot about change and the unexpected things in life. The sweet little nothing’s that throw life off balance. How beautiful it is to embrace that.

There are highs and lows in life. Sometimes during our lows, nothing changes. We have average days, average nights, we have a routine and we’re okay with it. Then sometimes we have highs where everything is changing. Every day is different, every night the winds change again. Our routine has been messed up, in turn, making that our new routine. Make sense?

Change is always happening. Whether it’s slow or quick, right or wrong. But whatever it may be, whether it be a boy miserably broke your heart, finishing college, moving home, starting a new job, or maybe all four at the exact same time, change fits into our lives whether we want it to or not. Sometimes it is just downright miserable to try to cope with. However, sometimes it’s nice to sit back and watch the world happen for us. The more we resist change, the less we’re allowing ourselves to learn, the less we’re allowing ourselves to grow.

So rather than fighting change, fighting the temptation to try to control every aspect of our human existence, why don’t we just embrace it?  Embrace the beautiful mess life is giving us. We are being given a chance to turn a new page rather than being stuck on the same one. And that my friends, is how our books get written.

I wrote all of this, the combination of the two blogs, earlier this week whenever I truly believed everything that I wrote. I guess I’m in one of those high times where every day is different, and now I’m having trouble fully embracing the words written above. I want to resist what’s happening in my life because I saw it as being something different. Because of this, I was going to wait to post this blog. However, now I realize because of this, I needed to post it. I now have you, whoever you are, as my witness, to help me enforce this mindset. “People need other people” to help each other through the highs and lows of life, and it’s always ok to say that.

So maybe you disagree, maybe it doesn’t make sense to you at all.  I may even be wrong about all of it, but it’s just my view on it.

“… I realized that I was holding on to something that didn’t exist anymore. That the person I missed didn’t exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we can wish they couldn’t all day long but that never works.”

-Sarah Ockler, Fixing Delilah 


Wear the World, Change the World.


It’s been a year since I last touched this blog. For no particular reason other than I haven’t been inspired to write. And when I have been inspired to write, it’s been put into a song, or there’s a half written blog in my notes on my iPhone that might eventually get turned into a blog one day. I never really knew how well I would be at the whole blogging thing.. but I figured it was worth a try. Anyway, as this semester is wrapping up, I now have a reason to write, and be inspired. My Serengetee Final Project.


As some of you may know, I was a campus representative for a company called Serengetee for this past semester. This semester in itself has been a whirlwind… final projects (like this one) are coming up, and finals are literally two weeks away. How the semester is ending so quickly, when it only feels like it has just begun is beyond me. However, aside from school being stressful and demanding, and life going by much too quickly, I have found a new belonging with Serengetee. Serengetee was created with the idea of others in mind. The company was created based off of strong inspiration and desire to help people across the world. Just as you can find on their website or Facebook/Twitter/Instagram pages, every fabric used and purchased is teamed up with a cause located in the same area that the fabric is originally from. Currently, Serengetee supports 32 different causes. 5% of each purchase we make from Serengetee goes back directly to these causes. As of right now, at 10:55 on this fine evening, Serengetee has donated $102,458 to the variety of causes. It’s a little hard to believe that this company was born from a dorm room by three college kids… right?

From working with Serengetee and learning more and more about the company and what it does, I’ve learned quite a few things.

  1. The company has an outreach to college and high school students alike to be representatives and promote the company. (That’s me).
  • As a rep, we spread the good word of the company to our friends and family. We can offer them discounts, and who doesn’t want new cute clothes anyway?
  • Being a rep has been so much fun. We had many assignments as representatives to go out in the community and take a picture while wearing a Serengetee shirt or item. Impromptu photo shoot anyone? As silly as it may sound, I found these assignments to make me want to explore more of my surroundings. The products I was wearing and promoting had so much meaning and depth to them, and I had the opportunity to spread the word for them. There is even a fabric that supports children in poverty in my hometown of San Antonio. These fabrics came from all over the world, and some from right in my backyard supporting causes that get brushed completely under the rug. Realizing the weight of the meaning behind what I was promoting made me extremely inspired. Serengetee does this all around the world. They search for fabrics that can support a cause; they are searching for people in need of a helping hand. Because of this, I too found a newly sparked desire for volunteering in my community and really being part of something.
  1. Through this outreach, the people that are affiliated with this company have so much passion for it.
  • This company was created by three college kids with an idea and a dream. These men really wanted to change the world, and frankly, in my eyes, and many others’, they are. If you really get down to the root of it all, this isn’t just a charity. Serengetee goes to each of these places and takes something so dear and personal to the area. Many of the fabrics are handmade, and all are hand picked by Serengetee.
  • So from that alone, it is quite apparent that the founders of Serengetee have a passion for what they do. Because of that, they hire people who share that same passion. Every rep that I have worked with and come in contact with has been extremely ready to be involved with the company. I would say that passion is an underlying necessity for working with this company.
  1. Serengetee is amazing.
  • Need I say more?
  • All joking aside, this company is spectacular. Spending a semester as a rep, I have learned the ins and outs of how it works. Their clothing is amazing quality, their cause is even better.

Serengetee has found a special place in my heart.  I admire their goals and mission to reach out a helping hand, giving back in a wonderful way.  If you haven’t looked at their products yet, you should absolutely do so.  Get something stylish and help change the world.  Just one shirt, headband, pillow, laptop case, phone case, or backpack at a time.  And always, Wear the World, Change the World.


Shame, shame, shame…

Well hello once again!

I know it’s been quite some time since I last wrote. I guess when I started this blog, I thought that I was going to have more time, and more drive, to really keep up with it. Well guess what! Now I’m going to again.

School was crazy busy these past few months. I have been going non-stop, really.  However, this blog is going to be focused on something non school related, but something that has been a more prominent thing in my life here recently. And why it’s been more prominent as of late, I’m not sure. Let’s call it… skinny shaming. Or the shaming of people who are skinny. Shaming me, and people similar to my size, because we are small people. This has come to me in many different ways…

“You’re TOO skinny.”

“What are you, a double zero now?”

“She doesn’t eat, that’s why she’s so skinny.”

“You don’t know what it’s like [to have weight problems].”

“You have no room to talk [about weight].”

“I want to beat you up because you’re so skinny.”

“I WISH I was your size.”

“You don’t have to worry about anything, you can eat whatever you want!”

And that’s just to name a few that are fresh from the past month (give or take), maybe, that my sister and I, and some friends have received. So some of you may be reading this and thinking “oh, such terrible things,” right? I mean, a lot of those can be taken as compliments when used in the right way. But usually, there’s some sort of condescending tone, or an eye roll, or a scoff. I guess they’re called “back handed compliments,” if you will. Most of the time I’m able to just brush these things off, really. Honestly, because most people don’t realize what they’re saying when they say it. Actually, I’m sure some people mean it in a genuine manner.

However, people forget to be intentional with their words. People say things without thinking about them. Which I’m sure everyone has encountered someone who does that at some point in their life, am I right? But it goes past blatantly rude remarks or calling someone fat. It’s simply just about being intentional with your words and thinking,

“Is this comment going to stick with someone for the rest of their life?”

These comments, about my weight, although not necessarily seen as “negative” in most people’s eyes, do a great deal to my self-esteem. And I don’t mean positively. Ever since middle school I’ve been teased about being skinny, and that’s when it all started. Since then, I’ve been extremely self-conscious about what I’m wearing, and how I’m wearing it. Most of the time, you’ll hardly see me in a fitted shirt. And if I’m in a fitted shirt, I’m wearing a baggy cardigan or a scarf. After years of having people continuously look at me, profiling me, and having my size be the first thing they notice, I make sure it’s not anymore. I mean, I’m proud of who I am, I am content with the way I look. However, it becomes what I’m known as. “The skinny girl with the big boobs.” That kind of really sucks to be referred to as all the time, wouldn’t you agree? So due to this sort of profiling, or shaming as I called it earlier, for the past eight years of my life, I’d say it’s pretty understandable to have a closet full of “flowy” shirts and a collection of cardigans and scarfs (not to mention it’s all incredibly comfy). But really the point is, no matter what I wear, people are forever going to tell me that I am too skinny.  And although I am skinny, this doesn’t discredit me from being a normal human being.  I too, have to watch what I eat, be conscious of the times that I’m eating, and workout to maintain my figure.  Although naturally I have been a small person my whole life, it does not mean I come by it selfishly.  

But let’s look at it a different way. People see a girl that’s fit, she works out, she goes to the gym; she’s fit. She isn’t too skinny. And then me, who doesn’t go to the gym that often anymore, unfortunately, I get snide remarks and back handed compliments for being genetically built to be this way. And I’m not the only one who has experienced this. My sister, my mom, friends, and even Frances Chan, student of Yale who was accused of having an eating disorder, and was threatened to be suspended on medical leave because she was too skinny. (Read the link, it’s pretty interesting.) 

There’s a double standard in society in a way. It’s admirable to see people lose weight and become my size. But to be my size naturally is just another reason for people to give me a hard time. I know people are going to find something to give me a hard time about, regardless of whowhatwhenwherewhy. It’s just unfortunate that insincere things have to exist in life. And comments like this are said about everything in life! Really, everyone has received a back handed compliment from someone at some point in their life. Whether it be about looks, intelligence, life, anything. It’s just part of human nature… I guess?

Get the picture?

We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all probably said one too. I’m not throwing myself a pity party. Neither am I trying to bring attention to the fact that I am a tiny person… It is simply about being intentional with your words.  About thinking about what you say before you say it.  And maybe, you’ve been a person who has said to me that I’m too skinny. Or maybe you’ve said it to someone else before.  Or maybe, maybe you’ve been the person to tell someone their hair looks good when it really doesn’t. Or maybe you teased someone about their nose being too big, or their teeth looked yellow.  Or maybe, you’ve been me, and you’ve been the person who’s receiving these kind of comments.  These comments come in every way, shape, and fashion.  And maybe, if everyone thought a little bit more before saying something that could possibly be misconstrued, then the world would be just a little bit of a better place. 

So maybe you disagree, maybe it doesn’t make sense to you at all.  I may even be wrong about all of it, but it’s just my view on it


Also… this. 



Open Endings

This post is open ended with no real conclusion.

As the year of 2013 comes to an end, two things are most commonly on everyone’s mind.  Two things that are most commonly on everyone’s mind at the end of any year.

  1. What that year taught them
  2. What their New Year’s resolutions will be.

People sit and wonder

“What did this year teach me?”

“What will be different?”

“What expectations will I set for myself going into the New Year?”

A lot of things that people maybe feel forced to think about, whether or not they actually do, I’m not sure.

So as I see these repeated posts, see them come up on memes, commercials, twitter, instagram, and facebook posts, I guess I have to think about my own things too, right?  I happened to stumble upon what I “learned” from 2013 just a few days ago, and I happen to not be making any resolutions this upcoming year, a matter I will discuss in a future post.  However, a lot of this year I just went through the motions.  Did what I needed to do to get by, and now the year is over, and when I realized what I learned, it hit me in the face like a bus.  So here we go.

In the memes that I’ve been seeing on twitter, Instagram, whatever else there is to post a meme, they’re all pretty common. 

“2013 taught me that I will lose people.”

“2013 was a hard year.”

“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book, write a good one.”

Except something more inspiring than that with a picture of some random city or sunset behind it to make it more meaningful. 

I can agree though.  2013 was rough.  And even though that third quote literally makes no sense, a lot of people I know want to start over and have a clean slate. Rewrite their story.  And maybe I want to as well.  I lost a friend to suicide.  I went through many fallouts causing me to almost lose a best friend.  I went through a break up.  I lost a pet.  I lost myself.  See a trend? Loss.  It happens, more than we’re comfortable with.  And most of the time we see it happen to someone else and say,

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“I’m sorry that happened.”

“They don’t deserve you anyway.”

Only half meaningful words.  Words that should be comforting, but they’re so repeated, they don’t mean much anymore.  We don’t realize that whenever it happens to someone else, they lose part of themselves, and we just go on with our life.  And then when it happens to us, we don’t think of everyone else that it’s happened to, we just think of ourselves, and how we’ve lost just a bit of our heart and soul. 

So for Christmas, I got the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It’s amazing, and probably one of the best books I’ve read to date.  Not because it’s a love story.  Not because it’s about teenagers so that makes it a little more relatable.  But because it’s one of the only books to make me think about not just the story it’s about, but my own life.  Why did this happen? Well, SPOILER ALERT: someone dies.  I won’t tell you who, just in case you want to read it for yourself because you should, but yes, someone dies.  And I lost it. I sat there and cried and thought about my life.  Thought about everything and everyONE I’ve lost in 2013.  Then I had an epiphany. And I composed a text message to some of my friends.  It reads as follows:

“This book that I’m reading.  Is so sad.  And it’s literally everything I’ve been through this year. In a different way, of course.  Someone you love dies. (I lost mine to suicide, in the book it’s due to cancer.) You lose the one person you’re in love with. [You lose a best friend.] But. It’s all here, [in this book].  And it makes me feel so miniscule.  It makes me just like, why can’t I just realize that life, it goes on.  Whether or not people are there.  But that just seems so unfair.  Why. Why do we cut people out of our life for practically nothing? Why do we deny ourselves the simple beauty of living next to someone, to enjoying life and seeing people live.  Instead, no. We cut people out of our life that we love.  And if something were to happen to them, that’s it.  That’s what it would be.  We would remember them as the person we LOVED who we CHOSE not to associate ourselves with.  Who we denied ourselves the simple thing of life with them.   When really why should we have that choice, when some don’t? How does that make any sense at all?  We deny ourselves an existence.  We convince ourselves we need to move on from people.  Not have them.  Because we don’t need them.  People need people.  And that’s it.  And we deny ourselves that right.  That simple right of existence.”

Maybe you don’t understand that on the first read. I just quoted exactly what I wrote to keep my original thought, but I’ll elaborate a little bit. 

After reading The Fault in our Stars and reaching page 258 out of 313, I realized what exactly 2013 meant to me.  I’ve just gone through a breakup, mind you, that is sort of complicated in its entirety, but a breakup nonetheless.

But because of that, I felt miniscule as I read this book.  Crying for days because I’ve gone through a breakup by choice, whereas this couple has gone through a breakup by death.  Literally.  So. The one person still alive (this is difficult to write about without names, but I’m sparing you total spoilers for when you read it, because you should.) Anyway, the one person still alive has to go on with life.  They go on because they have to.  They have no choice in the whole matter of a broken heart, of being sick, of mending; it’s kind of their only thing left.  Yet people, who are totally and completely healthy, make the choice to cut people out of their life because something isn’t working.  Granted, there are times when you should cut someone out of your life, whether it be abuse, neglect, etc.  And I’m not saying that cutting someone out of your life isn’t just as painful, because trust me, it is.  But most of the time in life, we’re faced with an ultimatum. 

“I can’t be your friend if ________.”

“This won’t work if _________.”

“We can’t be together if __________.”

Or we’re faced with “reasons” as to why we’re better off.

“They don’t deserve you anyway.”

“You’re better than that.”

“You deserve better.”

“You shouldn’t settle.”

“You have plenty of friends.”

So therefore, we have to make a choice somehow.  A choice to cut someone OUT of your life.  For what?  Because something or someone says it needs to be done.  So we, as human beings, decide to deny ourselves the beauty of being with someone, friendship or relationship, deny ourselves the ability to watch them grow, and enjoy their stories, smiles, laughs, sorrows, fears.  And we made that choice.  We decided to deny ourselves the experience of life.  And of course, in return, the other person is then denied of you as well.

I got a few different responses to this.

  1. You need to do that in order to grow, to allow for other people to enter into your life.  Allows you to live more.  Without loss, there is no growth.  Yin and yang sort of stuff. 
  2. You cut people out of your life because they’re not right anymore.  They were right then, but now it’s different and you need to move on from that because of XYZ, and you want to make sure that’s what left is good memories.
  3. You will be okay with or without that person.  You will have to be.

I’m not saying these are right, I’m not saying these are wrong.  But I am saying that they still kind of don’t make sense to me.  And I’ve thought about this for a few days now, before writing this on the eve of the New Year. I don’t understand why those things are “necessary” to make your life somehow better.  To allow yourself to grow.  To allow more room for other people.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never felt like I don’t have enough room in my heart for people.  There is no limited amount of 16GB of memory, telling you that your storage is almost full when you’ve taken too many pictures (Thanks, Apple products).  I’ve been privileged to know the people that I have, to experience them and their lives, and it’s great.  It’s a learning experience, it’s a cultural experience, it’s great.  And too often I find myself facing the decision to rid someone of my life for no better reason than an ultimatum.  An ultimatum and a fight between pride and dignity. 

So maybe I’m being ignorant. Trying to think I can make it through life without losing someone.  And I’m not necessarily thinking that, just realizing that all too much, I choose to cut someone out of my life, or see others choosing to cut someone out of their life, or choosing to cut ME from their life (those are rough).  Whereas a lot of time, we don’t have a choice. Someone may die, and that’s it; we no longer have a choice about what we do with them in our life.  Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Choosing what to DO about someone being in your life.  The whole idea of it kind of just makes my heart break.  So although it is our own life, MY own life, who am I to deny myself, anyone, the right of living?

So there isn’t a conclusion to this.  There isn’t a reason in my mind that truly justifies all of this.  Honestly, I didn’t even necessarily learn anything besides that half of the misery we face is by choice.  So although there are many propositions as to why we do this, to grow and all of that, I still see no logical reasoning behind it. So this is open ended. A lot of life is open ended, actually. I have no answers. 

So maybe you disagree, maybe it doesn’t make sense to you at all.  I may even be wrong about all of it, but it’s just my view on it


So before I really get into posting things, I have a few disclaimers and things for you.


1. I will not have proper grammar.  These are my thoughts, not my collegiate essays.  If you don’t understand something, please ask me.

2. These are my own personal discoveries from my own life, or things I happen to see in passing of other people’s.  If you happen to be quoted or mentioned or talked about, and it offends you, please tell me; it can be removed. I don’t mean to put anyone on blast, I put you in there for a reason, because you helped me be inspired to write something.

3. These posts are just because I like to share what I write and think.  Hopefully it provokes thoughts and discussions.  However, I do not want it to provoke arguments about whatever is posted.  I will not participate in negativity.


1. I started my blog as personal development in a way.  I write songs, but a lot of times my thoughts don’t fit into lyric form, and journalling isn’t that helpful to me.  I like to share what I write, and I like to be inspired.  So this is me, sharing my thoughts, and inviting you to inspire me.

2. I won’t always make sense, and I won’t post on a regular basis.  For instance, there won’t be a new post every Wednesday of the month.  However, I will try to post as often as possible, and make as much sense as possible.

3. Like I said before, I write to share.  I want you to read what I write.  So, I certainly hope that you enjoy what I write, and enjoy yourself as you read.

You may disagree with certain posts, and I may be wrong about a lot of things, but it’s just my view on it.